Love !

my cousine is gonna get married , she's gonna make her dream finally come true , i bet she's so happy she barely can sleep , afraid she'll end up just awake from her dream , a year ago she wasn't even dreaming that she could make someone knock thier damn door asking for her hand , and now here she's about to get married , the botton which pushed her to end up like this , was one and only reason , my sister getting engaged , and what a reason , from a familly like heres , full of jeallosy of us , so after god know how many months , she got engaged as well , feeling so proud to be in that place , everyone  said she's so stupid , people get proud over having a job , having to finish thier studies , doing something amazing for them selves,  and her over getting a man , i think she have the right to be happy and proud , because it's such a good feeling to be wanted from another person , who loves you , wanna be with you forever , when people says that she's so stupid and rather naive , deep in me , i'll be saying if you only know what i also want , so i think she should surly be happy and proud , but it also depends on how she got this man , got it based on the reason said before , or out of love , because if it isn't of love and acceptance , i'll tell you , what a naive girl indeed , to chose someone based on others , based on her getting older ....
Yes , i know how lonely it must be , staying with no love and  all that shit , i'm in a young age , yet i'm obessed with that kind of feeling , there's nothing i hope and wish for much for then bieng wanted from a man , what a feeling , everyone making me feel really jealouse , i want to experience it soon ...

Stand up for yourself !

Messed up ...
stomack always hurt from over thinking of stuff that are less important ...
Tears always fall over stupid persons that don't even blong in my circle ...
Mouth always forget how to move when i'm infront of people who doesn't seem to accapte me ...
legs always lose thier track ... hands forget thier orginal perfect position ...
Messed up ...
I'm done with this kind of feelings that are invading my soul ... making me lose it each day ...
I want scream out loud ... without carring about people looking at me ... without carring if thier hurt by my words ... my mouth want to express ... want to shout out loud saying I'm here , i'm powerful ... i know a lot of stuff that u may never imagine existing ... i'm unique and sepcail as anyone out there standing up high ... talking whatever they want ... not thinking if his mama gonna punish him later over it ...
Messed up ...
everyone is a big part in what i've become today ...the past made me ... all the laughs over me ... how ugly i was ... how messed up  my hair was ... how lonely i've felt ... how many words destory little me ... how much hate did i get from doing nothing ... how cruel thier looks were ... all the words , all the mean , cruel and deadful words that used to break me ... i wasn't the perfect beautiful girl ... with the most gorgeous cloths , no i wasn't ... nowdays i've become beautiful for them ... someone who they get so jealous of ... yet i still can't express my self perfectly ... that stupid mouth .... shy smile ... dry eyes ... like i'm pushing myself way too much ... my heart thumps up saying stop all this boring style of yours ... express your self ... be the girl you are always ... the mean ... the cold ....the hurtful ... the killing smile ... be all this ... be who you are truly ... kill them with your words ... kill them all !!!

The circle ...

i've always wanted to be a part of thier circle ...
they never dared to invite me ...
i've went there sevral times as i was young , lost in the lust of thier home ...
Felt like i needed to be a part of them ... yet they never dared to invite me ...
Still even now ... wishing to be like the others ... be part of something ...
When they talk about them i feel like i'm about to cry ... the tears are in the edge of falling ...
Questions keeps floating in my mind ... what did i do to be treated this way ? ...how come they don't love me ? ... i've chosen the best words to describe my passion to be a part of them ... yet thier looks shows less accaptence then anyone deserve ... i've grow up to hate them ... really hate them ... because they didn't accapte me ... they didn't do anything to win my heart ... i was jealouse in all the way ... no one understand what feelings i had when i went there ... it felt like they were living in heavan ... and now i see that as a disguesting place ... shame to be called heavan , rather a HELL!!!
They enjoy us falling ... they enjoy us get hurt ... they Don't care about us ... and Yes , I hate them ... for everything they've done for me and my familly ... how can they be so mean ... and cruel ... we are humans just like them ... yet they're so cold blooded then anyone i've ever seen ...
I'll do anything to see them falling ... to see thier castle get destroyed in front of my eyes ... i wish every shity shit they've done to me and my familly gets back at them ...
We're all at the same level , yet they got the princess treatemnt ... and i'm the guest ... always the guest ... always the same annoying questions ... i don't want to be rude , my Mama doesn't like it ... so i control my self as i could to not let my mouth slip for me ... because i may say it all !!! , Say how much i hate them ... how much i hate  the kind of disguesting air waiting for me to go ... all thier jealousy of us ... afterall we have what they don't ... they're so pushing to know everything and try thier best to rise much higher ... but they'll never pass us ... cause they're not like us ...
we got our own circle now ... and they never be part of it ...

FRIENDZONED !

Today , i've enter the friendzone , Indeed ! , in a way it's a good thing , but i still want more , i guess it can't happen from the first moment we met right ? " AMI " haha wierd !
i was kind so sad when i saw it , it was like saying ur a good friend but we will never be more kind of thing  , maybe that's a really good thing, at least i have a conction to him somhow , yea ...
but what should i do to improve my love life , if it could be named that way  !
he may already have a girlfriend , and he may not even like me , though i'm very pretty in my opinion and so for others  !
how can one person make me so happy with just one word " imagine if i'm reading this after years , i'll be like , what an idiot i was , sepcaily if HE ain't in my life NO MORE " i hate to think of it that way , but i guess everything has an end , and i just would like to say what a great feeling u've made me go through waiting for u to replay , and than when u replay i'll go like crazy , smiling by myslef , thinking i should come up with something Quite never been said , that should make me out of the ordinary ! , i'm  crazy , i make so much efforts for people to like me , when maybe i shouldn't right ? , and then there's this rules that i have to stick with , like not sending too much msgs , and not bieng the one who talk first , and get away for few days to give him time to think of u , and so as for when u replay ! replay with something CRAZY ! , but all i'm doing is letting things seem quite normal , and as if he talking to a cousin , or something , sending him some videos , which maybe suck !!! hahaha
anyway the thing is , i'm scared if this gonna end , when it just started , and things gonna get borring , because we ain't talking face to face , and the converstation gonna get dull , and so short later !
I WISH IT WON'T !
salam 

Untill when !

Hello guys 
it's been such a long time , i know right !! but who am i talking to exacly , no one seem to read my blog anyway ? 
Today i'm gonna talk about not belonging to anyplace and to anyone , they're all a  bunch of idiots , where am i gonna ever find someone to love me everyday , appraicte that i'm near him , and understand what i'm trying to say , those idiots i had enuagh of them ..... 
untill when am i gonna end up like this , not understood , and always judged by the least i do as something wrong , they raise u and then descripe u in the worst words possible , untill when !!! , i hate it so much , i would never do any of this to any of my childern , if i've never had some haha ..
Jumbing to other question , If someone if poor willing to marry u , though ur rich " meduim " , why won't familly accepte him ? " they think they have the last word " ... 
if anyone is reading this , please let me know the answer ... 
thanks <3